waiting

I had two attacks today. Saw somebody at the mall. A person I'd really not rather see for the rest of my life. Well, there's panic attack #1. I sat on a chair and trembled for 20 minutes. I just turned my music louder. Hoping the Ska would drown out all the other thoughts. Continued walking around the mall. A distressed friend texts me. We talk. She tells me something, something that - that is THE biggest trigger. (But again, I won't say, for my sanity). Panic attack #2. I told her if she chose to do... that... again. Well;

"I'm not going to talk to you. You're out of my life. I'm sorry, but that's how it is, it's how I've been affected. I need to save myself"

I gave her the speech that... well, it's what he said to me.

I've been trying to be as non-specific as possible for the last few months. I'm not sure she really got the big picture. I think nobody does. They just know that that is a trigger somehow. I was walking home, in tears. Switched to Gimme Gimme (from Thoroughly Modern Millie) on loop (It helped me a while back. I just want what Millie wants.). I ignored the first text for five minutes, then replied "Sorry". We talked after, via text still. She promised me not to ever again. I hate promises. 

I don't trust anyone. I don't trust myself. I don't believe in promises; they will always break. Love? Not a chance. Life? I'll shrug it off. I'm a fucking negative person.

... I've realized that when I'm talking about moments of remembering, I start thinking about them again, thus putting my in a bad state again.

School, please start sooner. I can't even wait these next two days. I need you now. I need to concentrate on one thing. I don't want to be this. But I do. I'd like to think about the past, thus forcing myself to be sad. I don't want to see, or hear something to put me there. Just... Jesus fuck. I'd prefer being happy. I want to erase so much of my past. The past doesn't build the future. Not a stronger one. It weakens mine. And I'll come out of this stronger? I don't think so. I'll be out of your way before you know it...

I'm just waiting for my body to catch up...