Back to step one

I've realized this is a very angst-like blog, so here's some shit that happening.

I can't fucking stand it anymore. I'm breaking down too easily, I can't even stand up straight. My parents are stressing me out so much. Now with my sister being away from home for the next 4 months, I'm being far too over-protected. And it's only been one week so far...

Here are some posts I did in another blog of mine, (one that should be happy).

I want someone to beat the shit out of me. Not like, to be sexually pleasured and be dominated, and stuff like "who's my little bitch?" No, nothing like that. I want a black eye, I want to be battered and bruised. I want to be covered in scars. I guess I just miss being in pain.

The moment when you realize that your ex took your knives away from you in hopes that you would never cut again.

I can't help you if I can't help myself.
(A friend I met online is trying so hard to stop cutting herself. It's been one week so far. I am so fuckin' proud of her. I could never tell her about what I've done...)

And you know what? I feel like shit. You know what I did. Lower tummy to the upper thigh/leg. I only had a shaving razor, so it was just little nicks. Now I'm ate my Mum's, so I can use the razor I stole from my Biology class in grade 11. I want to cut my arms so badly, but if my parents saw, they'd send to the psych ward or something like that. And I do not want that. As I said before, my ex took my knives. He didn't want me to do anything stupid like that. Well, fuck you.

Just, fuck.

I feel so nauseous.

Also, I just switched to my Mum's house, and I had a freak-out. Her car was in the shop and she had been waiting for me so we could walk to the store to go grocery shopping. I silently said 'no' to her, and well, I pissed her off. My Mum doesn't get angry I'd suppose, she just gets mildly saddened. My sister has lived with her for almost two years now, so she's used to someone being with her all the time. And now she's stuck with just me every other week.

I was so happy just a few hours ago, but I can't stop crying. And I have no one to talk to. There's only one person I can think of. I feel terrible for putting all of my weight on her, but she knows how to make me smile. But she babysits pretty much every day, and I can barely breath right now. And I feel like shit.
___

Helplessly hoping
Her harlequin hovers nearby
Awaiting a word
Gasping at glimpses
Of gentle true spirit
He runs, wishing he could fly
Only to trip at the sound of good-bye